I went to the park today to hang out with a bunch of women from church and to let all of our kids play together for a couple of hours. One of my friends who had just had a baby was there with her newborn. There were also several other moms there with babies less than one year old. It made me almost baby crazy. As I held the tiny babies in my arms I felt peaceful and happy, but the thought of having my own baby sent waves of fear and queasiness through me.
I love my kids. They are the light of my life. They bring me all sorts of joy and sweetness. But, as wonderful as they are, they are also a lot of hard work and frustration at times.
Our religion is one of spiritual impressions. We are allowed personal revelation as to the things we should be doing in our lives. Our religion is also one which emphasizes the importance of families. If we are able to have many children we should. Physically and financially I think we could have a few more kids. Emotionally, I am petrified to even try for a third. I feel good these days - better than I have for years - do I really want to risk my emotional well-being for the sake of having another baby? Am I being incredibly selfish? Probably. But until I can work through the fear I will content myself with my two sweet boys and be happy with the fact that at least I have them.
When I start feeling that itch again, I can always hold my friends' babies.