Thursday, April 8, 2010


*Warning* The following is not for the faint of heart or the easily disgusted.

So as I was helping Samuel with his homework and cleaning the kitchen this afternoon, Matthew began to fuss while in his exersaucer.  "Hang in there, Matthew, we are almost done," I assured him as I continued to wipe the counters.  Matthew was persistant so I turned to look at him.  "Hey buddy, what is wrong?"  I looked down at the bottom of the exersaucer and saw this orangish brown goop all over, then the smell hit me.

You know, at times like these, parents go through a series of steps:

Step 1  discovery
"What is that?  Is that...?  Oh.  My.  Goodness."

Step 2 comprehension
"Is that poop?!  Is that poop all over your clothes and the exersaucer and are you JUMPING IN IT???!!"

Step 3 game plan
"OK, it's ok.  Let's ummm..."
At first glance the situation seems impossible.  One may even be tempted to put the desecrated item (baby and all) out on the curb for trash pick up.  Generally, not a good idea, but certainly easier than the realistic choice, the inevitable choice...  I think I am going to be sick!

Step 4 clean up (several steps in one)
This is where it gets really tricky. 
First, save the baby.  Once his clothes have been scraped down so that I can get them off, with a minimal amount of spreading the mess, it is up to the bathtub.  I don't even worry about telling my older boys to stay away from ground zero, the smell does that on its own.
Next, with bathtime complete my much cleaner and happier baby is back in clean clothes and placed on the floor of the family room while I confront the disaster area.  "Maybe we don't need a kitchen anymore."  I think to myself,  "Couldn't we just seal it off?"
Third, it takes an hour, unknown numbers of baby wipes, half a roll of hot, soapy paper towels, and several lysol wipes before I am satisfied with the cleanliness of the exersaucer and floor.
Now I turn to the clothes.  Briefly I consider tossing them, as I have with previous recipients of such abuse, but I love the outfit he is wearing today and it is worth the effort... I think.  Scrape, rinse in scalding hot water, wipe with paper towel under said hot water, then place to soak in washing machine with laundry detergent and oxy clean.  Hopefully that is good enough because I am not touching those things more than that!
Fifth, sterilize all affected areas and areas guilty by association.
Last, wash hands.  Ten times. With hot, soapy water and brillo pad.

Step 5 reflection
Having suffered from constipation for at least half his life, part of me is proud of Matthew for finally getting over that.  A very, very small part.  The rest of me is ready for a vacation- without kids!

And what did my little charmer do while I was cleaning up?  Why, make another mess, of course!  At least this one is only paper.  He found my pile of mail.


Amy said...

Oh, honey! You are a saint. I have been there. You deserve a medal.

Jewels said...

LOL! I love how you found the energy to add so much humor to this situation! Sealing off the kitchen and "areas guilty by association" were my favorite parts! Oh, that and the ridiculously adorable poopy baby. :) <3!